For those that have been following me you probably have noticed that I haven’t added anything here for some time.  There were no hospital visits, no doctors appointments so nothing really to add.

But behind the scenes though there was a lot going on in my head, you see the there was a three-week delay from my CT-Scans and the day I was to receive the results.  While I was waiting every pain, every headache and when I wasn’t hungry (loss of appetite) was a sign to me that my cancer had spread.  Even though I had completed almost five months of Chemo I was convinced that all was not well.  I didn’t tell anyone this, I tried to keep up my positive outlook, put on a happy face, tell the usual jokes but deep down in that part of me most people rarely see I was scared actually terrified.  I had been told by Dr Ch my oncologist that if my cancer has spread ‘then we will cross that bridge when we get to it’ which I interpreted as ‘cancer will invade your body one organ or one part at a time and you’re screwed’.

For those that have already taken this journey and those that have yet to take it, cancer is tough, it screws with your head, during chemo you feel like crap. Your attitude (as mine did) changes almost daily, from the anger to the denial to feeling totally hopeless.  My world became smaller, sometimes I just wanted to be alone followed by the need to be surrounded by people. I am blessed to have so many friends, so many well-wishers, I can honestly say that every single day at least one or more people would call me.  It reminded me that 39 years or so ago I started a different journey, feeling hopeless and wondering if I could or even wanted to go on there was a man who took the time to talk to me, I will always remember his words “You’re going to be OK you know” his name was Bobby D.  Over years there have been times when those words were tested, none so much as in the past year.

The results are in…

Yesterday I met with my oncologist at The Odette Centre, the purpose of the visit was to discuss the findings of the last CT-Scans, to establish if my cancer had spread and if surgery was still an option and to figure out where we go from here. She kept us waiting (Divina came too) for over two hours, some of the worst two hours of my life.  I’m sitting there wondering if I’m going to receive a death sentence or a stay of execution, admittedly rather over dramatic but that’s what’s going through my mind, part of me wants to run for the door, the other is glued to the chair.

2 hours a 20 minutes after our arrival my oncologist comes in, first words out of her mouth are “Good news, in fact very good news” as I sit in shock while feeling the tension flow from my body she tells me the following:

  • The lymph nodes in my groin area are now normal showing no sign of cancer
  • The cancer in the wall of my bladder has been reduced dramatically (her words)
  • The lymph node in my neck is smaller and changed its form leaving its self a candidate for radiation therapy

All this is a result of the chemo – she sits there with a big grin on her face and tells me again ‘This is good news’ I have talked about Faith and Fear being in the same room together now I have Shock and Joy together.

I start to cry… And they let me do it in silence.

The reality is I still have cancer, but not as bad as before, I still need surgery just like before and the sense I get is if the surgery is successful and I get radiation on the lymph node in my neck my chances have increased substantially. Yesterday I started out full of fear, I left in hope.. Just the way I did 39 years or so ago when my life was also on the line.

My journey is not over but thank-you Bobby D for telling me “You’re going to be OK you know” your words have been tested but still hold, not sure if I believed you at the time but I have for many years.  So if there is something troubling you, something that is causing pain in your heart or you just feel hopeless take a few minutes to watch this video aptly named You’re going to be OK.

Peter (& mini T)